#RealLife

There's this blog I came across the other day that was very well done.  The author had obviously spent a lot of time on it, and the pictures of herself and her family were beautiful.  She hinted at struggles, but she always brought it back to joy.  She talked about her amazing husband and her amazing kids.  Everyone looked loving, happy, and well-behaved.  Perfect.

And the more I think about it, the more I realize that maybe I have projected a similar online image.  That my kids are happy all the time.  That we never have problems.  That I always choose wisely, we always eat healthy, my kids never misbehave, and Jeremy and I never argue.  

The truth is, I would love for you to think that, because I struggle with perfectionism and legalism and pride, and what you think is very important to me even though I know it shouldn't be.  I want you to think I'm a good writer/mom/wife/fill-in-the-blank.  But in reality, my life is not all rainbows and sunshine.  And I don't believe I'm alone.  

Some of my failures are humorous, and some aren't even close to being a laughing matter.  But we're all in this together, right???  And God's grace is sufficient for all imperfections, big and small.  He is greater than my struggles, and I choose to have hope in that.  Even when blemishes loom large in my life, in my marriage, in my family, I choose to have hope.

So at the risk of you thinking less of me, that I don't actually have it all together, that I'm imperfect...here are some of the ways I don't have it all together.  

Getting back to people.  I owe pretty much all of you an apology.  If you have left me a voicemail, sent me a text, messaged me on Facebook, etc., and I haven't gotten back with you immediately or the next day or the next week...it's not personal.  I am just that bad at it.  

Avoiding things that are uncomfortable until absolutely necessary.  There are things - big things - that I don't like to think about.  Balancing the checkbook, for example.  Or completing student loan payment paperwork.  Or following through on a commitment that I made long ago and am no longer motivated to do.  Returning something I borrowed years ago.  I know this is bad, but I do it anyway.  

Being a terrible housekeeper.  My system (what system?!) for toy organization/clutter/laundry is borderline nonexistent.  Well, it exists, but it isn't working.  I definitely relate to this "Confessions of a Horrible Homemaking Homeschooler" blog post.  Oh, and my 5-year-old said to me today, "Mommy, it would be really helpful if you could do the laundry so I have pants."  True story.  Thankfully there is a difference between dirty and messy, and our house is definitely messy.  Or cluttered.  Or "lived in."

Overthinking.  Anxiety.  I'll leave it at that.

Failing Pinterest.  Josie's first birthday tea party was in August.

The cupcakes were supposed to look like the picture on the left...mine is on the right.

Obviously we went a different direction, but this failed attempt was ridiculous.

Mixing up personhood and performance.  You know how your greatest strength can also be your greatest weakness?  I'm a high achiever with high standards who works well under pressure.  Those are great attributes in some situations, but they also translate to the problems of intertwining my personhood with my performance and the avoidance of disappointing people.  I want to be at peace with the facts that who I am as a person is not defined by performance and that I will inevitably disappoint people, but I have a hard time with both.  (Note: Reading Present Over Perfect by Shauna Niequist is helping.)

Compromising.  I am a very opinionated person.  I have definite views on things, and I don’t always show grace to people who do not agree with me on certain issues.  This plays out a lot in my marriage, especially in the way we do things around the house or the way we raise our kids.  One of the beautiful parts of being a parent is that you have the freedom to choose how you raise your children.  But you know who else also gets to have a say?  THE OTHER PARENT.  Jeremy and I both want what is best for our kids and our family, but even so I have trouble compromising on issues that I feel strongly about.

Wives are called to submit to their husbands, but I don't completely understand what that means.  I think it means that Jeremy should have the final say in things that we disagree on.  I want to do the right thing and submit to him, but this dominant, opinionated personality of mine tends to bulldoze through opposing views, especially when the other person's views differ from what I have researched and decided.  

Flexibility in my schedule.

I don’t enjoy flying by the seat of my pants.  Holiday plans, what's for dinner, homeschooling…not that I can’t be flexible, but it does not come easily to me.  For instance, this morning I wanted to make some memories by doing something fun with our whole family, something different than what we do every other day of the week.  But Jeremy and the boys had other ideas for the morning, which meant that our fun little outing did not happen.  There was a communication problem, and the fact that we didn't go led to some intense disappointment on my part.

Well, folks, there you have it: some of my issues (oh, there are more) posted on the internet for all to see.  As funny as it sounds, I actually find comfort in the fact that my life will never be perfect.  I don’t have to meet a standard of perfection in order to have value.  Even if I struggle with these things for the rest of my life, I find comfort in the truth that God loves me anyway.  Jesus made a way for me through His perfection, and I am grateful.  

How do you find peace in your imperfection?  I'd love to hear your comments below!